Dear Lost in Academia,

Letter One

Dear Sydney,

It’s application season and I’m writing because of a crossroads I’m on. I have been working at a research lab at an R1 university since graduating from my undergraduate program. I have invested years of my life here and I used to think this was the right path: I was on my way to doing a Ph.D. maybe starting the next academic year. My professors + lab mates + mentors + my boyfriend have all been telling me to do one for years. I think I’m supposed to find their confidence in me reassuring or exciting but it really makes me anxious.

What if I am only doing good where I am because of the people at the university? What if the people in my Ph.D. cohort are so much smarter than me and I can’t keep up? What if I am not cut out for this? Academia. What if it’s only because I met these people when I was in undergrad and it’s been an arrangement of convenience for us all.. not a reflection of my ability?

I’m terrified of leaving. I have invested so much time here. This lab + university is all I’ve ever known. I was not the best student when I was younger but I started to care about school at the end of high school. It was enough to get me into my undergrad. I don’t know if anyone else will see the value like this lab does.

Is it normal to be this unsure of myself? Or is this a sign I shouldn’t be considering a Ph.D.?

Sincerely,

Lost in Academia

Dear Lost in Academia,

I want to start with value. You are valuable because you exist. You are not valuable because of the work you produce. You can be proud of the work you do, and other people can celebrate your outputs, but neither your work nor what your work amounts to is your value. A company or institution can see you as a valuable asset or player to their team, but it is never ever a reflection of your inherent value. (me to you; me to me).

Alright, now we can move into the time bit - your investment of time and your fear that it won’t amount to you being able to do a PhD. There seems to be a sentiment in many of our cultures about longevity equaling something else. Think of the idea that a long relationship is equated to a good relationship or a career is most impressive when someone has stayed in one field an entire working lifetime. We’ve related the quality of the relationship or the legacy of labor to the length of it. And while I have my thoughts on the matter, what I want to pose to you is: do you find longevity with your lab or institution to mean more to you than simply a length a time? Is it equated with something else meaningful to you?

I think that is an important thing to unpack, because from your letter, I didn’t hear that you wanted to do a PhD. Just that it’s a path that was laid out for you, shown to you, maybe even with an air of pressure to it with how many folks are encouraging you to do one. And I’m curious if the sentences or sentiment that you want to do a PhD didn’t show up because it means a lot to you to stay. That there is a story here about wanting to stay in an environment where you feel valued, where you’re supported, where you feel competent and confident.

There’s a fair bit of fear that I read in this letter, and if I should have assumed the desire for you to do a PhD was the foundation for the letter, then I want to say fear’s presence is not an automatic sign that you shouldn’t be doing a PhD. If you want to do a PhD, you can also be scared and uncertain and anxious without it meaning it isn’t the right choice for you to make. Many of us, but I’ll mostly speak for myself here, enter PhDs feeling out of our comfort zone, sensitive to failure or perceived failure, or afraid of not being good enough. And we each make decisions every month, every week, sometimes hour by hour, if those feelings are worth continually feeling and moving through, or if they aren’t. I have yet to meet a PhD student or candidate who doesn’t have to work at their emotional regulation or continually feel through those feelings. Because deciding to do a PhD is not an incantation to banish those feelings. They’re cyclical and it is worth contending with if that is a timestamped future you want, for however many years it takes. So, their presence is quite normal, and it’s worth considering how acquainted to you want to become with them.

Another cultural story that comes up as I read your letter is the idea of an escalator. I was first introduced to this in the realm of relationships, a relationship escalator. This idea of always moving forward in a relationship, that there isn’t any value in a relationship that isn’t upping the stakes: dating to relationship to engagement to marriage to building a home to having children, etc. And I think there is a similar attitude towards careers and roles too. It almost always feels like there is encouragement to do more, to move upwards, to gain the next step of validation or recognition or prestige. I think academia is incredibly guilty of this. It’s always the next position, the next degree, the more senior role. I find myself wondering if the uncertainty you’re sitting with could be related to that not being what you want. That there is a pressure for you to leave this role to pursue ‘more’ in the form of a PhD, pressure that sounded external. People can love you and encourage you and support you, AND be playing into cultural narratives you don’t want to follow.

I am not sure if this is true, but the letter reads as though you weren’t worried about your capabilities or intelligence or confidence in your current position with your lab. If there was a hint of restlessness, of not finding the role challenging or interesting, of feeling slightly ready for a PhD internally, I think I would have approached this letter differently. But as it stands, I am feeling really compelled to encourage you to find out what the choice of staying might mean to you at a place you feel supported and settled. To explore the narratives you hold around not getting a PhD - what that means for your career, or life, or relationships with those you work with - and what narratives are happening to you from those around you about getting a PhD.

You signed off lost in academia, but what if you’re already in your place in academia? Or your place for now, as you can always change your mind.

Choosing to stay where you are does not mean you have to choose it forever; it means you’re choosing it for now because it’s meaningful for you to stay.

But you may instead choose a PhD because its what you want. And you may complete a PhD, or you may not. Those choices are yours.

None of the choices you make on staying at your lab, or pursuing a PhD, determine your value. None of the emotions you mentioned feeling inherently disqualify a PhD from being right for you.

Uncertainty is simply uncertainty, and staying is simply staying, and applying is simply applying.

The meaning you give your choices are yours.

Explore them.

They are stories, stories that shift.

Stories are not your value.

Til next Sunday,

Sydney

Send your letters to: softacademiawithsydney@gmail.com