Dear I Hate Thesis Writing,

Letter Nine

Dear Sydney,

Up until the last few weeks I have been considering getting a PhD in same field I am currently in for graduate school, but I'm in the final stages of writing my master's thesis * due next month * and I might be changing my decision.

I'm drowning in self-hate, imposter syndrome, anxiety and executive dysfunction - which has me questioning pursuing one anymore. I love my field, and research generally, but the writing process (for the thesis) is just soul crushing. Should I see this as a confirmation that academia is not for me? Or do I wait until it’s over?

- I hate thesis writing

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Dear I Hate Thesis Writing,

As someone who recently finished writing a PhD thesis, I want to start by acknowledging how much I deeply understand this letter to my core. The doubt and uncertainty and maybe even some disappointment in there related to what your experience has been writing your masters thesis is very relatable.

Thesis writing is a very specific kind of writing, and particularly if you are at an institution with a strong structure for the thesis or dissertation, it can take the joy out of the research topic and writing so easily. And this is coming from someone who very much considers themselves a writer. I can only say I really enjoyed the writing of the positionality and discussion sections of my thesis because of the freedom allowed and the way I felt like I could flow through the writing.

However, I am writing this letter to you on the other side of the thesis and while it was work, and I had to fight to get it into the structure that is acceptable, it can still be done even if it feels hard and isn’t enjoyable. I would probably venture to guess that most PhD theses are written without feeling particularly great about the writing or the writing process. You would certainly not be alone with that sentiment.

A PhD, while much of it is about the thesis or dissertation, it certainly is not all it is about. Particularly at the beginning stages, and by stages I mean years. For the first few years, most of what you do during the PhD is reading, thinking, experimenting, collaborating, planning, networking, and learning. You of course write some but usually more related to brainstorming or assignments or even articles rather than even getting a jump start on the thesis. And your interest and skill set and desire to do those things, I believe, are important factors to hold as well when determining if a PhD is the next step for you.

What is most important to take away is that while the thesis is much of the PhD, it is not all of it. Therefore, making a decision solely on the thesis is not the most accurate or informed way to make a decision about if a PhD is right for you.

The ‘to-try’:

A good ole pro and con list.

Or some other type of physical manifestation of weighing your options.

I reckon the thesis isn’t the only thing on your list that would deter you from the PhD and I think it is worth contending with that. But if it is the only thing that deters you, then I would recommend putting it against all of the benefits or your reasons to do your PhD and see if it feels outweighed or it could be worth it. I would encourage you to spend some time thinking about the steps to applying to a PhD and the environment of academia and the relationship you have to your field when crafting this as well.

Now onto the emotional experiences ‘to-trys’:

These are some exercises or considerations to help you navigate where you currently are at with the master’s dissertation.

Arguably, I shouldn’t have contended with the PhD question until afterwards, but since you asked for advice for the PhD, I led with that.

But these are important emotional experiences to contend with because 1) you are experiencing them now, and 2) they are likely experiences to follow you through into the PhD, if you chose to do one, and knowing how to navigate them before they are overwhelming and playing off of each other is important to surviving any further involvement in academia.

Self-hate

Self-neutrality is a good first step.

Document some things about yourself that you feel neutral about.

It doesn’t have to be physical (as I think many people go toward body positivity with this exercise), just some things about you that you don’t feel one way or the other about. Your laugh, your handwriting, your fingernails, your reading speed, your eyelashes, etc.

However you chose to do this, make it visible to you in some way while you are writing your master’s thesis as a bit of an antidote to the high intensity of self-hatred.

Imposter syndrome

A to-done list.

This is one of my favorite things to do when I am feeling like I tricked people into letting me into something (like a PhD program) or when I feel like I don’t belong somewhere.

Write a list of everything you have done that has gotten you to this point. This is your evidence to your brain that you did do the work and take the steps. Again, post it up somewhere that is visible as a grounding reminder.

Anxiety

Move your body.

Anxiety is an active emotion for many of us and so my advice for thesis writing is to get some of the physical manifestations out. Take a walk before sitting down to write, sit in a chair that allows you to move or fidget as you write, have sensory toys around you when you write, go for a run or swim or bike in the morning (you can have Word read you your thesis is you find you are using not having enough time as a reason to not do something active in this period of your life). Play, dance, cook, whatever you need to do to move around, expel some energy!

Executive Dysfunction (ED)

ED comes in so many forms, and therefore I fear I would write a piece of advice for being distractible when you may be struggling with hyperfixation. Which would be of very little help for you. And since you didn’t ask for any advice on your emotional experiences, and I’m providing this bit unsolicited, I am going to instead encourage you to be intentional about engaging with whatever strategies and tools you have found to have worked for you along the way. Maybe even spend some time down a YouTube rabbit hole or exploring a new blog if you are finding you want to try something new or hear other people’s perspectives on what works for them in academia.

—

Reminder, your choice to do a PhD whether it is now, never, or later, is not a choice best made in a heightened state like the stress of a master’s dissertation. Make it to the other side of your master’s thesis, REST, and then start exploring your decision to pursue or a PhD, or not.

Either way, you completing a master’s is such an amazing accomplishment and I hope you take time to be in the present for it!

I believe in you.

Til next Sunday,

Sydney

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